On Insecurity

06-17-2015

11:19 p.m

Why is it that I feel so insecure and wrong doing the things that make me happy, before I even walk through the door?

Am I that worried about what people think, or do I just feel like all of me would not be accepted?

..

There is this huge, sometimes overwhelming part of me that just wants to dig a hole, deep into the depths of my mattress, where I can curl into a ball, hidden away from the world. Yet if you push that all aside, there is this smaller, more optimistic person who wants to come out and blossom, and open up for the world to see and enjoy, because why wouldn’t they like me? Do I think that bad of myself that even the thought of peeking out of my mattress sanctuary is a terrible thing to do, because nobody wants me around anyway? No! I refuse to think that of myself. I refuse to become more insecure just as I was beginning to crawl out from under the sheets. I know I am annoying to some and not welcome to many. I know the world is filled with so many complications that can be easy to run away from, but where’s the fun in that? Yes, life sucks sometimes, but it sucks for everyone, and life can be so wonderful and fun and happy if you just allow it to be. You will not live life to the fullest if you do not give yourself fully. I’m not saying that a person can never have any secrets, I just mean that if you want to put on a dress today for no apparent reason, put on the damn thing and walk as if you were on the runway. Someone you really want to talk to? There is nothing stopping you from saying hello. Everything is so much more extreme in your head, but in reality, nothing is as big a deal as it seems. Half of the conversations you remember, the other side has already forgotten. Do not beat yourself up over things that don’t matter anymore. Whatever thoughts they were going to think have already been thought, and besides, people will only ever remember how you made them feel. Make everybody feel like a somebody and the world will never resent you.

 

“Interviews With My Late Night Self”

– j.alice

On Interviews

10-13-2015

8:41 p.m

What do you mean by Interviews With Your Late Night Self?

Do you ask yourself the questions, or were there ever any questions at all?

How did you come up with the idea?

..

It means exactly what you think it means. I have interviews with my late night self, which, may I tell you, is not always the best thing to do. We always think the worst of ourselves late at night, so I usually tend to not ask questions about myself. I’m not exactly sure how the idea came to be, but it did, and I’m glad that it did. It’s a way to document things that happen in my life, even though I don’t have the interviews as much as I think I should. I like it, because I get to ask myself the questions that I think I need to be asked, or I want to be asked, or should be asked but I have no one to ask them to. I get to share my opinions while pretending someone is listening, which hopefully will remote to a lot of someones listening, which will in turn let the world know what I think about it and it’s things, and that I talk to myself while it’s asleep. You may wonder why my thoughts and opinions are so important, but what you don’t realize is everyone’s are. Everyone is important, and therefore everyone’s thoughts are important. It is thoughts that make up the world, after all.

 

“Interviews With My Late Night Self”

• – j. alice.

 

Leaves

This past Saturday, I was taking pictures for my high school’s prom when I was suddenly overwhelmed with the bizarre feeling of seeing yourself in the future.

I mean, that’s a normal thing for a 16 year-old to feel, right?

The odd thing about it to me though, was that graduation, college, life, was always just something people told you was going to happen.  It was just like when people tell you that one day you will turn 40, or one day you will have kids of your own, or that your parents have decided to save up and take a trip to Florida in four years. You know it is going to happen eventually, but right now?

Right now I am looking back at sixth-grade me who was so excited when she was told she was halfway done, and now thinking how close I am to actually being done.

Am I using italics too much?

It’s just, we are getting to the point where the people that we know, and the people that we hang out with and are friends with, are leaving. They are graduating from our small high school where everybody knows what everybody did last night, to move on to bigger and better cities with bigger and better things, and that’s slightly terrifying. Because, to be honest, I don’t think it’s the jobs, or the bills, or the living on our own that scares us; it’s the thought of losing people. You take a small group of 25 kids who have seen each other for 13 years and you send them away, what are the odds of them seeing each other again? We are scared of being forgotten; of becoming unrecognizable to those we hoped we knew, of becoming another stranger’s face in a line up, or worse, forgetting about the people you promised yourself you never would, or being left behind by those who told you long ago that they were there to stay.

And that’s who we are right now.

I will be starting my Junior year in September, and a person who has always been a rather large part of my life is already fundraising for the expenses Senior year brings. This upcoming year will be filled with “lasts,” and they aren’t even mine yet. They will just be the last times with her, and then they will just be the last times.

And part of me is sad about that. Part of me actually doesn’t want all of this to end, which is ironic considering how much there is outside of this little town waiting for me, and how I am convinced atmospheres condense overtime and this one was overdue four years ago, but people affect people overtime too. And no matter how much it kills me to admit, maybe it is the people that part of me doesn’t want to leave.