To those few followers who don’t know me personally; I am a Type One Diabetic and have been for about two-thirds of my life. I feel like this is something worth reading about, and if not, then at least worth writing about. I was diagnosed when I was six years old. I consider this an unfortunate thing, being so young, but then I look at my sister and realize she was only four. I have the vague memories of Before which she doesn’t even have. We were in the hospital three weeks from each other. I remember the ocean-themed room in the midst of being painted, and after I was done crying through the needle work on my arm I was honored with choosing the color of the octopus, which stood like an unfinished coloring book on the wall. Purple, was what I said. When I finally left, I peeked my head in to see the finished room I felt I was now a part of. Low and behold, the octopus was pink. It was probably the most upsetting thing I had experienced that week.
Around this time last year, my grandmother and I were talking in the kitchen of my aunt’s house. It was a conversation about mental health, attitudes, and the power of positive thinking. She ended up saying, “You could easily be depressed.” I agreed with her, even though my cousins did not understand why she would say such a thing. Diabetes has taken control of my life because it has to. Otherwise, I would not be here. It is like the child who constantly wants attention, or the annoying ex you just cannot get rid of. It can easily sneak up on you and break you down if you do not look after it, which is excruciatingly hard to do some days, because it is just not fair.
If I didn’t want to be a female anymore, I could get an operation. If I hated having brown hair, I could dye it. My eye color can change through contacts, my environment can change by moving away. My life can change if I stop being lazy, and tolerate the suggestion that wellness isn’t just for health freaks and yoga fanatics. But this? This I am stuck with. No matter what I do, or how much I try, it doesn’t get easier. If anything, the build up of scar tissue makes it harder, and you get to where you don’t even feel like a person anymore. So what do you do then? Doctors and hospitals are suffocating. People tell you how to live your life when all they see you as are numbers. My body is dead tissue under skin, and it’s no wonder your blood sugars are yo-yo-ing because I don’t want to do it anymore.
If I had of told six-year old me this, she wouldn’t have understood. Hospitals are fun! She thought. Walking through the halls with the suitcase she never had the chance to use before, coloring pictures for the nurses to hang on their walls, room service, free toys, a view of the city lights at night, what wasn’t to like? To be completely honest, I don’t remember any of the bad parts, the scary moments from those first days. I remember making a cloth doll in the toy room, playing with fake food, squeezing stress balls, being incredibly jealous of the boy with the shoes with wheels that would roll on the floor. I remember eating out for the first time since being in the hospital, and walking back in like I owned the place. What I don’t remember is saying what my mother can’t forget; “Today was a good day, except for the bad parts.” The truest sentence I think will ever fly out of my mouth.
Six-year-old me was wiser than 17-year-old me. “Today was a good day, except for the bad parts, ” is the attitude you should have going into every single day. No matter how horrible your life seems in a moment of frustration, or when you are overwhelmed, today can still be a good day, and that is something not just diabetics should remind themselves of. Your outlook on the world you live in affects everything you do, think, and feel. A second of positivity in a moment of darkness can change your entire day. Sure, life sucks shit, but those mantras are tiring and old now. Life is what you make it, and if you want a happier one, or, like me, you want to kick Diabetes where it hurts–just smile. Even when you don’t want to. Smile until you don’t know what else you could possibly be doing. Smile until Life smiles back, because it will, and you’ll both love it.