On Self Love

10-13-2015

9:00 p.m

What do you think it means to love yourself?

How hard do you think it is to do?

…

I think self love is extremely important but it is also an extremely hard thing to do, especially depending on how those around you affect your way of thinking. Everything that you have ever told yourself you take to heart. It doesn’t matter how, or when, or why, but it’s the truth. We are our best listeners and we listen to everything, and that is why you have to be careful about what it is you are saying.

I used to believe I was an idiot for no reason other than because that’s what I told myself. And especially in those vulnerable, broken down moments when we feel like we are nothing and therefore deserve nothing, I don’t like how I have made things worse in the past by not being there for myself. You are allowed to think you are beautiful. Better yet, you are allowed to be beautiful. You are allowed to love your laugh and like your smile. You are allowed to believe that you are a kind, loving, fun, intelligent, wise, and wonderful person. You are allowed to be kind to yourself. You are allowed to love yourself.

Or better yet, you actually could.

“Interviews With My Late Night Self”

–j.alice 

 

On “Like”

o5-24-2015

11:25 p.m

Will you let yourself like this guy?

…

No. Because you can’t like a person until you know them. Until you can laugh over what is seemingly nothing. Until you know at least one thing that not many others do. Until you have had at least one late night conversation that none of you will ever mention again but both think of all the time. Until you’ve gone so deep you’re scared you will never be the same again, but you always are, if not better. You can’t like someone who is just a face and a name that you pass by in the hall or steal glances at at lunch. It doesn’t work like that.

But maybe I have all of this confused with love.

“Interviews With My Late Night Self”

-j.alice

…

So school started two weeks ago, and the fact that grade eleven is hard is the only thing I have learned so far other than how horrible of a movie Catherine the Great is.

 Interviews With My Late Night Self is something I started doing for myself a long time ago, and is something I have been wanting to make a weekly thing since this blog started.  I know maybe 6/10 of you are thinking, “Well great job at that because I didn’t even know this was a thing until now, even though looking back I see you have also posted two more, but still.” I know my concept of time is annoying, but I am fixing that.

I am hoping to make this a regular Friday thing. The only helpful thing I have gotten from this school year so far is that now I am back in a schedule that likes to keep its persistence, even in my personal life. So really, how hard could this be?

Don’t answer that.

Anyway, I thought this little Interview I did sometime in May 2015 would be fitting today, because my sister just recently got asked out for the first time and she said yes and it’s adorable.  I get it that she is 14 and maybe that is too old for it to be adorable, but I don’t care. It is. Get over it.

On Happiness

04-06-2015

11:40 p.m 

What would I define as true happiness?

Do you mean a moment, or how I feel in said moment?

..

I feel serene and content, without a care in the world. Like everything that has ever worried me has involuntarily been pushed from my brain, and I’m not running around in a wild panic trying to find them because I don’t even think. I don’t even realize they were there let alone gone. I am laughing even though no one has said anything funny. I am smiling at what seems to be thin air. There is nowhere else, no one else and nothing else. There is only me, in that moment. When silence isn’t scary and the future doesn’t even exist. A nothingness that isn’t intimidating, as if I am afraid I don’t exist, but as if I never have, and that’s okay. That’s perfectly okay. It’s better than okay, actually. It’s the feeling of bliss that you believed never existed, because after that moment you might forget it ever did.

“Interviews With My Late Night Self”

-j.alice

On Insecurity

06-17-2015

11:19 p.m

Why is it that I feel so insecure and wrong doing the things that make me happy, before I even walk through the door?

Am I that worried about what people think, or do I just feel like all of me would not be accepted?

..

There is this huge, sometimes overwhelming part of me that just wants to dig a hole, deep into the depths of my mattress, where I can curl into a ball, hidden away from the world. Yet if you push that all aside, there is this smaller, more optimistic person who wants to come out and blossom, and open up for the world to see and enjoy, because why wouldn’t they like me? Do I think that bad of myself that even the thought of peeking out of my mattress sanctuary is a terrible thing to do, because nobody wants me around anyway? No! I refuse to think that of myself. I refuse to become more insecure just as I was beginning to crawl out from under the sheets. I know I am annoying to some and not welcome to many. I know the world is filled with so many complications that can be easy to run away from, but where’s the fun in that? Yes, life sucks sometimes, but it sucks for everyone, and life can be so wonderful and fun and happy if you just allow it to be. You will not live life to the fullest if you do not give yourself fully. I’m not saying that a person can never have any secrets, I just mean that if you want to put on a dress today for no apparent reason, put on the damn thing and walk as if you were on the runway. Someone you really want to talk to? There is nothing stopping you from saying hello. Everything is so much more extreme in your head, but in reality, nothing is as big a deal as it seems. Half of the conversations you remember, the other side has already forgotten. Do not beat yourself up over things that don’t matter anymore. Whatever thoughts they were going to think have already been thought, and besides, people will only ever remember how you made them feel. Make everybody feel like a somebody and the world will never resent you.

 

“Interviews With My Late Night Self”

– j.alice

On Interviews

10-13-2015

8:41 p.m

What do you mean by Interviews With Your Late Night Self?

Do you ask yourself the questions, or were there ever any questions at all?

How did you come up with the idea?

..

It means exactly what you think it means. I have interviews with my late night self, which, may I tell you, is not always the best thing to do. We always think the worst of ourselves late at night, so I usually tend to not ask questions about myself. I’m not exactly sure how the idea came to be, but it did, and I’m glad that it did. It’s a way to document things that happen in my life, even though I don’t have the interviews as much as I think I should. I like it, because I get to ask myself the questions that I think I need to be asked, or I want to be asked, or should be asked but I have no one to ask them to. I get to share my opinions while pretending someone is listening, which hopefully will remote to a lot of someones listening, which will in turn let the world know what I think about it and it’s things, and that I talk to myself while it’s asleep. You may wonder why my thoughts and opinions are so important, but what you don’t realize is everyone’s are. Everyone is important, and therefore everyone’s thoughts are important. It is thoughts that make up the world, after all.

 

“Interviews With My Late Night Self”

• – j. alice.